Rant: It’s Not Cool to Talk About Your Harem
I may take some heat for what I’m about to say, but I don’t care. That’s the beauty of being not-20-something: I don’t give a shit what people think. But you’re here reading this, so I’m going to tell you what I think.
If you are actively dating–as in, seeing and chatting up multiple people at one time–do it discreetly. Respectfully. And for the love of all things good and proper, with some class.
By that I mean, shut the hell up about the other people you’re seeing and chatting up.
I feel like this should have been covered in Dating 101 when we were 16 and starting to dip our toes into the dating pool. But experience has proven otherwise. Either that or I’m managing to meet the men who fell asleep during that part.
Last night, a man I’ve been chatting with told me about another woman he’d recently connected with. “Sounds like good date material,” I commented. “Maybe,” he said.
“Next,” I said.
Way to pour a bucket of ice cold water on our fun flirty conversation, because, dude, I’m sorry, but telling me about other women you’re flirting with is going to extinguish any flicker of a spark we have between the two of us.
Another man I went out with – for the second time – told me about a woman he’d recently met and made out with. Nice. And an ex he’d recently reconnected with. And another lady he almost slept with (but she got “weird” or he couldn’t get hard–I dunno, I stopped listening).
Damn, if that isn’t the kind of conversation every woman wants to have with a man who’s casually sipping his Campari in a sexy little bar.
That was the last time I saw him.
And yet another man I dated last summer clearly stated, “I don’t want a relationship,” and I clearly said, “Okay, I get it, this is casual.” What I don’t get is why he took that as license to tell me about his “friend” (read: with benefits) who’s 20 years younger, and another attractive woman he’d been seeing who lives an hour away and yet another hot-but-crazy woman he wants to fuck but is worried she’ll get attached. Actually, he’s worried that any woman will get attached. And maybe that’s why he talks about his harem to whoever he’s with–to reaffirm his anti-commitment stance.
I understand dating around. I don’t believe everyone needs to be in a committed relationship to enjoy the opposite sex. If you’re the kind of person who can get to know multiple people at once while searching (or not) for your perfect partner, then by all means, do it.
What I don’t understand is telling the person you’re with at the moment about all the rest. Ignorance is bliss, am I right? And keeping your mouth shut about the rest is simply respectful.
When I’m initially getting to know someone, I don’t talk in detail about my ex husband or previous boyfriends. I don’t chat about other men I’m chatting with. Because, why would I? It seems the only purpose that would serve is to see if I can get a reaction: Does he like me enough to be jealous?
And if I’m doing that, well, then I’m a passive aggressive bitch he should block immediately.
Maybe this whole thing is a byproduct of online dating and social media where we have this smorgasbord of potential partners at our fingertips, and we can swipe them away at a glance or woo them with flowery words and sexy texts until the next best thing comes along. Maybe we talk to people nowadays as if they’re just one of many because the truth is, they are just one of many. The internet has widened our dating pools and made people much more disposable. Maybe people have become too easy to discard. Or disrespect.
I don’t really understand this “let’s talk about my harem” weirdness, but I do know this: Unless you’re polyamorous and your partners are cool with hearing about each other, it’s not considerate. Or thoughtful.
To the men, I’d say just stop. Stop it. You wanna talk about all the women in your life? Save it for guys’ night out.
You want to get to know a woman? Take a lesson from your Italian counterparts: Talk to her as if she’s the only one you’re interested in. Speaking from experience, Italian men are crazy adept at making a woman feel special, even if there are 50 others banging on his door. Don’t be a douche bag and lie that you’re exclusive if you’re not. But there’s no reason to talk about your other “interests.”
Ladies, I believe the same should apply to us, even if he doesn’t give a shit if you talk about other men. It’s just more respectful to leave other dudes out of the conversation and off your phone when you’re out with the gentleman at hand.
Now here’s your chance: What do you think about this? Am I being too sensitive? Or have we lost a little consideration for each other? Hit me up with your best rant on this subject. And GO.
(Just please–don’t tell me about all the bloggers you’re reading. I have to draw the line somewhere.)