The Younger Man/Older Woman Thing (And Why I’m a Fan)

older-woman-dating-younger-manI went out with a man 14 years younger the other night. I am cougar, hear me roar–at least for an evening. This was, by far, the youngest man I’d ever dated (at least on purpose. See That Time I Was a Cougar). My favorite moment of the night occurred at a crowded, seedy bar when my hot date emerged from the restroom to find Stefan, a Swedish drunk with bleach blonde hair, hitting on me.

“Step off, dude, she’s with me. You can leave now,” he told Stefan.

Stefan stared blankly at him.

“Seriously. Go away.” Finally drunk Stefan got the hint and stumbled to the bar for another beer.

Jake (aka, my knight in shining . . . um, a hoodie)  looked at me with a sexy grin and said, “I just rescued you.” So proud.

You did, baby. Yep, you rescued me. I’d probably be in Stefan’s trunk right now if it wasn’t for you.

And it was then that I decided to reconsider my stance on dating (much) younger men. Or maybe that was after we started to make out in the crowded, seedy bar? Either way, I realized that I’d been an agist and I should stop discriminating. The evening had been full of interesting conversation, lots of laughs, great chemistry and attraction, a daring rescue and–perhaps my favorite part–much respect. This was more than I could say about most of my recent dates with men closer to my age.

A little informal research on my part has revealed that the younger men (10 to 20 years younger than I) who prefer to date older women want “no drama, no games, lots of confidence and security, and fun without pressure (to get married, have kids, settle down, etc.).” I always thought it was money and sex. I’m still not completely convinced that it’s not, but I’m starting to believe there might be some truth to what they’re saying . . . that older women are simply easier to be with.

I remember what I was like in my early 20s, and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to date me.

That is absolutely not a dig on younger women. It’s more a testament to the aging process . . . contrary to Hollywood’s belief, getting older is not all bad. There are some wonderful qualities that come with living life for longer than a few decades. Maturity, confidence, self-awareness, acceptance, an intolerance for drama–some things you simply acquire as the years tick by and you grow comfortably into your own skin.

Jake the Brave told me immediately upon meeting him that night that he was a die-hard bachelor, uninterested in a long-term relationship, focused on his career, but attracted to (and enjoyed the company of) older women. If I had been 25, I would have thought, “Right . . . for now. But I can change all that . . .”

At my current age? I believed him, accepted him, knew our first would likely be our only date, and enjoyed his company for the evening, end of story. I didn’t need (or want) to change him. I didn’t take his comments personally. I wasn’t insecure when he didn’t call me the next day. It simply was what it was: A nice evening with a commitment phobe. And that’s not me projecting or assuming–he willingly admitted, “I have commitment issues.”

What was in it for me, this date that would go nowhere? A fun evening with a hot, successful and charming man who treated me with respect and admiration. And a few free vodka tonics.

Not actively looking for more cougar experiences, but I’ve loosened my stance on dating younger men and would absolutely consider it again. Marriage, children, white house with a picket fence . . . been there, done that and I don’t need to grill men about their potential as a husband, father and handyman. I simply get to enjoy them.

And that is when dating is not a bitch. It’s a pleasure.


1 Comment »

  1. Thank you for your insight on dating a younger man. I’ve been married twice and the 2nd was abusive. I’ve been single for 5 years with no success in the dating game, but just recently I was reacquainted with a young man that graduated high school with my daughter, who is now 22. We were at a wedding reception and I noticed him now as a man. At a point in the evening he asked me to dance & I thought nothing of it. I said “Sure!”. I realized when we stood close, with his arm around me and the attention he gave and how his touch was almost personal, I realized how much I had missed human touch; someone who found me attractive. Since that night, we’ve talked occasionally, but yesterday it escalated into a more noticeable attraction & I felt guilty, like it was completely wrong. I accidentally found your blog and after reading it, I know I have nothing to feel guilty about. I know I don’t want a family with him, but I enjoy his company and he enjoys mine. I’ve been oblivious to the world, but he is the first man I’ve come in contact with since my divorce that was more mature than men my age. I apologize for writing so much, but you helped me and I wanted to thank you.

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